Ok. For the longest time – far too long – I have been trying to write something. Anything.
Last week, I decided to participate in Josie’s Writing Workshop.
Last week, I failed to participate in Josie’s Writing Workshop.
This week, if I want to participate in The Gallery, I have to participate in Josie’s Writing Workshop, as they have combined for a difficult theme: Emotions.
If I were into conspiracy theories, I might think that Tara and Josie got together to force people like me to actually write something.
If I were.
Which I’m not.
Much.
This post is actually ideal, because I get to post it over on the Writer’s Bubble and break my self-imposed writing drought there, too!
Thanks ladies for this prompt – you rock!
This picture was taken by my aunt on one of the many occasions she took Chipmunk out for me.
Our Lost Year
My baby boy. My beautiful boy.
How much time I missed.
How much time I owe you.
☆
Your growing, your changing.
Your sleeping, your waking.
All drifted by in a haze of pain and fear.
So unfair.
☆
I remember you watching me.
I remember your eyes.
But there is so much I can’t remember.
So much I have lost.
So much that was lost to you.
So unfair.
☆
Not your fault, not my fault.
Unfair all the same.
Painful still.
Our lost year.
☆
We can never get that back.
And I will never be free of that sadness.
☆
But I won’t let you see it.
I won’t let it hurt you.
Because you are my life’s joy.
My baby boy. My beautiful boy.
N.B. After Chipmunk was born, I got really sick. I was in and out of the Emergency Department for almost a year, being pumped full of morphine to ease the pain and then having to stay in hospital because I was being treated with opiates. Even when I was at home, I struggled to care for Chipmunk without help, because of the pain. Depression set in, and I hardly left the house.
I was not in a good place – especially not for bonding with Chipmunk.
Eventually I had an operation, and after that things were ok. Chipmunk and I did bond. While the depression is still there, it’s nothing like it was. And yes, now I take Chipmunk out and about like any other ‘normal’ parent.
My parents and extended family were great, we wouldn’t have coped without them.
But I still lost my baby’s first year – and I will never get over the guilt.
{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
What honesty I am glad you have put into words how you feel….It hopefully will help you to move on a lot more, life was tough and yes you did have (and still do) an amazing family
Be kind to yourself, you are doing so well, and are a great mum. I remember you singing I am special.. you are love you lots.
Thanks so much
For letting us into your bubble, Thank You. Beautifully written as always. It is not what is said but what is not said. People who have seen great blackness often have a greater awareness of the good things in life and what really matters there after. We see this in your work all the time. The guilt feeling is understandable and will probably never go away but perversely Chipmunck reaps the dividend of this period daily; It helped create the devoted mother that you are.
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Thank you so much, dear Cowboy :*
There is no getting back lost time, there is only making the most of the time we have now. You my sweet do that better than any women I know. You are the perfect mother for Chipmunk, he was wise to choose you.
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((hugs))
Oh my what an extremely Emotional piece of writing. I am so sorry to hear you missed out so much on that first year due to your illness. It must have been heart breaking for you. I am welling up because I know how I would feel in your shoes.
Still your little chipmunk looks a little gorgeous treasure and how proud he must make you.
The poem is so touching and sincere and I think you are very brave to share your story.
Xxx
Thanks so much for your lovely comment x
He looks like a real character – it sounds like he gets that from his mum. That was a beautiful, heartbreaking post.
Thank you
So so glad you joined in. You write so gorgeously, I don't know why this is the first time!
Sometimes the saddest moments in life can make for the most beautiful posts.
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Thanks Tara, that means a lot
It is sad that you lost so much of the first year, but as another commentor said, it has made you the fantastic and devoted mother you are now where you take nothing for granted. Chipmunk can only benefit from that, he is one lucky boy:) Jen
My recent post The Gallery – Emotions
How sad this post is but so beautiful. So glad you did bond with chipmunk but how awful to have missed so much. Glad you’ve got rid of the block. Will be looking put for you in the writing workshop next week. No pressure.
lol, no pressure at all, huh? Thanks for coming by
You write beautifully. You really do. That must have been so, so hard to miss your baby's first year. He looks a lovely little chap.
Thanks so much – and yes, he is
Oh Han, your blogs so often make me fill up! Despite all the pain and difficulties of that year, you were still and are still the best Mum …anything Dad and I did we did out of our love for you and Chipmunk and are so glad we could be and can be there for you. Hope I haven't muddled the tenses too much! Chipmunk loves you to bits and you deserve that. Our little chipmunk has inherited so many of your good qualities – love you loads. Mum
Its easy for us to say but don't feel guilty. For some reason as mothers we feel responsible for things that are out of our hands and out of our control. In years to come Chipmunk will understand what you went through and your bond will be all the greater when he realises your fight to come through for him. Take care of yourself xx
Thanks so much for your lovely comment, that really means a lot
Great post and sorry to hear about your "lost year". Your comment from your mum is so amazing! Sounds like you have great family support. What's important for Chipmunk is that you are better now and he has his mum back. What's lost is lost, now it's about what's here. Your son will only remember that.
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You're right, thank you
Wow that’s an awesome post….good on you for being able to write it! I read Josie’s workshop each week and can never write well enough to include it or publish it!!!
Oh, you should give it a go – you never know until you try
So sorry about your "lost year". It must have been so hard on you.
Your poem is beautiful. And your little boy is soo cute!
Stopped by from Josie. So glad you chose to participate this week. :_
Thanks so much, it means a lot that you stopped by and commented
Thank you for sharing such an open and vulnerable piece of yourself. I could feel your pain through your words and hope that you know you are an amazing mother. It's true you can't get that year back-but you can make every other one that much more meaningful .
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Thanks so much, Kara
Awww
I didn't know about thats *big hugs* glad you're all better now.
Such a beautiful post, really heartfelt.
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Thanks, Livi ((hugs))
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